Farewell. For now.

Sigh, I haven't been myself lately.
And once again, I'm thinking of making another blog.
One where not many know or rather..No one knows about.
Yes, this blog is better off dead.

As well as my Friendster account.
Urgh, speaking of Friendster, I'm so pissed off with the management!
Extremely pissed off! Almost all of my friends have been deleted off!
Wtf.
:@

From 1000++ to a pathetic number of 59! Whyyyyyyyyyy!
I am extremely :@ :@ :@.
!@$@#%#?^$%&

So yes, no more friendster for me. And I shall blog privately this time.
Till I am more comfortable to showing the world wide web about my blog,
then will I let you human/readers/aliens/trackers know about it.
Till then, good bye.

Jealousy

Dang, you've completely polluted my mind with her image.
My mind's freaking out, I can't take it no more.
I've said little of my part earlier and I'm glad I did.
I think you know what I roughly meant. That, I hope.

So far, I've kept myself quiet. And I hate feeling this way.
Sigh, its always about that certain person.
Jealousy oh jealousy. Why?!
Must it always about this? I don't like being jealous.
I can't help but feel like this.

I'm so conscience about people around you.
And I feel like I've been compared to them.
I. Hate. It. Seriously hate it.
Will you please stop? Cause I can't take it no more.
Sigh, I'm scared.
:(

Many times have I regret.
How i wished all this hadn't happened.
Who is it to be blamed?
Me or you or us both?

I'm in such a bad mess.
This; I must confess.
Retreat for now cause its time.
I didn't mean for this lousy attempt.
Just make something happen for the good.
Please,please,please oh please?

WAHLAO!

Wahlao, I think I am one hell of an impulsive buyer.
I can die I tell you I swear. I just bought a dress
and now I am dying to buy more clothes
when I have a ton/gallon/thousands/millions on clothes in my wardrobe!

I am still feeling a little sick, but no more vomitting, pooping, feeling giddy and dehydration. yay!
So now, I am helping baby look for Vintage Polaroids.
Apparently, its so hard to find lei! :(
Checked out Far East but heard all sold out, like wtf right?
After searching for hours and playing PetSociety in Facebook.com,
I went searchign for my stuffs..

I WANT
I WANT
I WANT
I WANT
I WANT!!!! :(

This dress is still available for only $29!

Hossana's 3/4 faded jeans is to die for!

And these pair of shoessssss! Like omgzxzxzxz.
Please tell me where to get them, please!

Anyone still holding a spree on this bag? Anyone?! :(

Baby's been gone for close to a day already and I miss him so much!
I can't sleep, nor do I eat a lot this days. Why oh why!
When I see my bed in my room, I picture myself and baby on it.

The first time he came over lying next to me in bed
and stroking his fingers across my arms softly tickling me in a smooth way signaling me to sleep.
I miss it. I miss everything about that moment.
I miss it when I hugged him close to me and he did the same kissing my forehead telling me how much he loves me.
I miss it when he fell asleep for a brief moment sleeping like a baby and startled me with his sudden snore.
And most of all, I miss him. So much.

And on that day itself (hours after he left from my house to sch), we were on the phone.
I wasn't myself, I wasn't the April Jane who had so much things to say to him.
I pulled back and I kept sighing after the 'lecture' I got from him when he found out I was smoking.
I couldn't face him. I couldn't look him in the eye.
'Cause I felt extreme guilt.
-Sigh.

Hello world.
Wow, its been so long since I last replied tags, mails, comments, and even updated my blog with a super long post, haven't I? So how was my weeks/days, you ask? I swear I had a great time with my friends, boyfriend and even time alone thinking and doing stuffs. But I haven't been myself lately. I do not even understand myself. I start craving for lotsav' chocolate-y products especially Calbury Twirl! (Mmmmm..Yummy, yummy, yummy!) :D





For these past 3 days, I have been buying two packets of Calbury Twirls to work and even after my shifts!
Drinking frizzy drinks close to a week when I usually get myself a bottle of mineral water. Super eye-bulging-mouth-opening situation for me. I suddenly started smoking, and I think I'm craving for it already, I get irritated so easily nowadays. I fought with my colleague and I'm not talking to her much as I used to. I even lost concentration at work.. (Sighs in guilt and remorse and shouts out loud!)

I. Need. Some. Time. On. My. Own!
I need to recollect and think it through. I need to cry out loud and smack myself in the head cause I did some foolish things which I do not normally do. I do not know why I took up smoking either. Urghhhhhhhhh x23423587.

Mr. Boyfriend found out about it too, and I can't look him in the eye now. I can't even push myself to talk to him without the sense of guilt in me. Neither do I even feel like I'm his worth. I do no wanna call it quits. Hell no. But I'm......asdkasflsanf;lw3tqw4twe46w5q0w3u5q';,ev~!!!!!!!
fuckity fuck fuck.

:'(

Skinny

See this gorgeous skinny looking women?
I wanna be like them.
I'd kill anyone if I have to just to be like them.

I wanna barf more.
I wanna e super ultra skinny so that everything looks good on me like a model.
I want all my flaws gone and feel perfect within.

I shall eat less (which I have since 3 weeks ago) and exercise when I am free.
I need to jog a kilo meter or more to burn my fats!
Ah! !#@#$>%^&*

Sometimes I feel like I don't know

you. Or even me..

What the fuck am I thinking?!
Omg, sometimes I really feel like slapping myself.
urgh

I'm the kind that tells myself that whatever happened,
happens & now we try to find a way out.
But fixing all this has just made me have the thinking that everything could be solved,everything got to have a reason so i can fix it.

I tried to be perfect, tried to hide my flaws but then one day someone told me,
"why do you keep trying to be perfect,why do you keep trying to make things right when they (might be) are wrong."
It hit me, I'm really really tired of fixing things already.

My world has been topsy-turvy for a long time, as long as i can remember.
I don't want to care anymore, I don't want to wait for days where i could go away to a far place, I just want to be right here, right now, breathing, living in the moment.

i just want everyday to be a day to listen,to learn,to forgive,to love.
But I know, this can't happen..

,maybe,perhaps,probably i would lock this blog because its at times like these too,i don't want anybody to know about these thoughts,they are mine.

+++++++

make myself better http://www.tillys.com/tillys/default.aspx